A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
