Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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