i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
