did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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