You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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