Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
