i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
