It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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