Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
