His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize