you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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