He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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