she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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