he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize