Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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