I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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