I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize