My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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