SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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