One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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