dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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