How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
