Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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