the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
