Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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