a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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