Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
