my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
