my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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