If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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