totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
