Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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