My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize