Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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