6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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