I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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