We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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