He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
