Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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