Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
