The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
