My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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