A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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