I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
