my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
