Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
