He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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