i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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