Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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