I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
