none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Houston, we have a blender
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
