did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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