Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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