so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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