i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
