My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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