i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
