They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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