shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We are all done wearing pants today
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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