I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
