I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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