i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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