I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
