saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
