I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
