Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize