So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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