I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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