Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
