I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
