Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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