I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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