Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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